Nov
26
I was originally supposed to start my winter home workout routine on Monday of this week. It’s now Thursday. I don’t know what to say except that exercising terrifies me. My mother had given me an exercise DVD in October. It wasn’t opened when she handed it to me. I stared at it quietly for a moment and then put it in the bottom of my suitcase. It sat unopened until today when I decided to get into a winter exercise schedule.
Last night all I ate was a pomegranate and some yogurt. This morning when I weighed myself I had gained a pound. I almost lost it.
I started my workout with a jump rope. Between the walls of my apartment feeling like they were closing in around me and my cat trying to join me I got a headache. I made it through the session somehow. 300 repetitions was a pretty good start. I did a hundred and then walked for three minutes before starting the next set of reps. I have no idea what I’m doing. I keep picturing Bill Paxton in Weird Science waving to his younger brother after hes been turned in a giant human turd. “Hey Dudes,” he said nonchalantly as his body farted.
I went online and searched through a bunch of grinning idiots until I found a decent Pilates arm workout (with small weights). The last thing I need is big gross man arms.The woman said it would take a month or so for my arms to be toned. Next summer I’d be able to wear a tank top. I need to get over wearing baggy clothes so men can’t see my boobs. Its been an unsettling experience. I think my breasts are nice, but men talking to my chest is unnerving. I never knew men were that into them until I had my own.
I’m going to tackle my exercise ball after I write this. That came with exercise ideas. It’s quite the full-time job not to overindulge in comfort food. Last night I dreamed that I had eagerly slammed my face into the side of a huge vanilla frosted cake. I wish I was joking. I woke up with a kink in my neck. I hate estrogen.
As for my mother’s DVD, I watched part of it while drinking some green tea. As I had suspected there was only one heavy women in the video. She was alone in the back corner. The thin women with bare midriffs all smiled unnaturally as they worked out at an obscene rate (for beginners). I couldn’t help but shake my head and laugh knowing it would be the only time the ladies and I would ever see one another. I think I’ll shot put it after my workout today.
cheers,
Adrienne M. Leigh
****(Madonna – Into the Groove)
Nov
26
The student loan people sent me a letter earlier this week confirming I have been accepted into their new program where they pay the interest and balance for the next six months. It’s a nice break after the expensive payment plan I had previously been tied into. My overall balance isn’t staggering anymore. So that’s exciting news as well. I welcome the break with open arms. I am spending most of my monthly allowance on needle facial treatments these days.
I have decided to add some blond highlights too my brunette color this coming weekend. I am not enjoying being a brunette. It works for some people. I am not one of them. I absolutely hate brown hair on me. I really tried to go natural. I just feel more feminine and attractive with lighter hair. I am doing a partial blond because I don’t like my hair when it’s too blond. I have yet to get a color I am happy with. They say a person changing their hair color is a sign of insecurity. I would go with that. After four years of transitioning I am still trying to figure myself out.
I had to step up in the friendship department this week when a girlfriend told me she’s been approved to get her SRS surgery this coming May. She’s only been living full-time for about six months. This is my fourth year, so I was initially furious. But after I thought about the fact she is paying for her own surgery I got over it. She has every right to skip ahead of me and anyone else who can’t afford it for themselves.
I hope she doesn’t believe having a vagina is going to make her problems disappear. She already expects to be called a woman, and seen as a female by society now. I don’t agree with that demand personally. People are going to see me however they wish. And I don’t care. This is my life, and my choice. Last night I made a celebratory dinner for my friend to let her know my pettiness in regards to her news is gone. Its her life, as this is mine. She needs to make her own decisions. I need to focus on my own agenda.
Inquiring minds…
cheers,
Adrienne M. Leigh
****(All We Are – Kim Mitchell)
Nov
24
This weekend I picked up a copy of Janet Jackson’s greatest hits compilation Number Ones. It’s the first collection of her hits to really do her career justice.
Janet Jackson in public appearances, and interviews seems nothing like the sexually charged persona she evokes while performing onstage. I had the pleasure of seeing her live in 1998 while she was on her Velvet Rope Tour. She is a natural performer, a gifted dancer, and an excellent entertainer. Her silky voice can evoke emotional responses, inspire millions of fans to dance, and make a listener feel sexy.
I find her shyness interesting. It’s almost as if the public persona is her excuse to come out of her own shell. She seems likable and genuine in interviews, and yet reserved and sometimes secretive. It’s an interesting paradox that a celebrity of her stature is known as a sex symbol and yet admits to having horrible self-esteem at the same time.
Control took the charts by storm and vaulted Jackson into immediate heights of fame she may not have been completely ready for. I heard her say in a recent interview that she didn’t celebrate her first birthday until she was 23. I think that’s very unfortunate. Lets’ Wait Awhile, and When I Think of You encapsulate the innocent girl I first became a huge fan of.
Then in 1989 Janet Jackson released a powerhouse album called Rhythm Nation 1814 that spawned numerous hits, and sold well beyond anyone’s expectations. Miss You Much, Rhythm Nation, Escapade, Love Will Never Do Without You, Come Back to Me, and Alright were massive successes for Janet. I owned several copies of that album over the years. Its still her best work, in my opinion.
In 1993 she came back again with a sexier image, toned body, and grooves that shot her back to the top of the charts. That’s the Way Love Goes was instantly my favorite song of ‘93. It was pure pop perfection. I still adore the song today. She followed soon after with solid hits If and Again. The final single from the album Any Time, Any Place was the first blunt single by Jackson to convey a sex appeal she would market herself with successfully for many years to come.
In 1996 Jackson released a personal album entitled The Velvet Rope. Some consider it to be when Jackson’s music lost fans interest. I choose to think of it as a very bold album about someones fantasies, and inner most demons. I loved that the album discussed many topics with a candor few others have dared to offer from the pop arena. I think its an album of quality. I really enjoy it. As for the singles, I really only enjoyed We Go Deep on its own. The rest of the album works better as one solid listen. Its a story. And I found it a brave venture.
All for You was released in 2001. I wasn’t as impressed as I had hoped to be. the album seemed to be scattered. While I adored her single Someone to Call my Lover there was little else to hold my attention. Similarly in 2004 with Damita Jo, I only liked one song on the album All Nite (Don’t Stop). I didn’t enjoy anything on her next album 20 Y.O. and only one track on her last album Discipline. Feedback was a fun track with a great beat. But where had the hitmaker of the 80’s gone?
Janet Jackson has been struggling for quite some time to find her audience. It might be a reflection her personal life. Or it might be a sign she just isn’t as into fame as she once was. I hope she finds her footing again. She’s much more beautiful than she believes herself to be. Janet, you do have fans that believe in you. xx oo
cheers,
Adrienne M. Leigh
****(When I Think of You – Janet Jackson)
Nov
22
In the mid 80’s it seemed like George Clooney was a guest on every television show that I watched (The Golden Girls, Rosanne and The Facts of Life). I was surprised in the 90’s when he landed a lead role in the hospital drama ER (never seen it). His role on that show brought him hordes of adoring female fans. It’s not surprising that he used his television recognition to get him into movies.
From Dusk Till Dawn was his first big screen break. It was released in 1996. I was shocked by how much films seemed to agree with him. I understood why women swooned over him. It’s the charm thing. The guy has it in spades. Not many actors could make a graphic horror film seem cool, but Clooney pulled it off. Glimpses of a huge, sexy tattoo across his back and shoulders made me drool. And I don’t even like tattoos.
In 1998, Out of Sight solidified my attraction to Clooney’s acting and screen persona. He smoldered opposite Jennifer Lopez (before her J-Lo days). The chemistry between the two stars was incredible to watch. I couldn’t believe the same guy with the big hair was now so impressive on film.
O Brother, Where Art Thou? came out in 2000. It was such an oddly amusing film. O Brother was unlike anything I had seen before. I really loved it. It was truly original entertainment.
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind was Clooney’s directorial debut. Released in 2002, it was not what I had expected to come from a man labeled a hunk. It was much better. Based on a book by Chuck Barris and a brilliant screenplay by Charlie Kaufman the film was difficult to figure out. Whether Chuck Barris was secret agent or not remains a mystery. I like the picture because its inventive, original and very funny.
Solaris was also released in 2002. It’s a slow movie with lots of dialogue. I think Clooney gave one of his strongest performances in the picture. I read critics and viewers weren’t as kind. His choice to take risks with his high-profile career is very brave. It was obvious with Solaris that Clooney wasn’t making films anymore to please other people.
I own a copy of Syriana. I haven’t watched it yet. Clooney won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his performance in the film. I will also have to see his second directorial effort Good night, and Good Luck.
In 2007 Clooney was nominated for a Best Actor Oscar portraying a lawyer ‘fixer’ who discovers a huge corporation has a plot to kill him in Michael Clayton. I considered it to be the dark horse film of the year. Strong supporting performances from Tom Wilkinson and Tilda Swinton helped to make Clayton a riveting battle of wills.
Up in the Air is on my Christmas list to see this year. I am however undecided about his other 2009 offerings The Fantastic Mr. Fox and The Men Who Stare at Goats. Still, I think George Clooney is a solid actor. He is the modern-day Cary Grant. His charms and good looks don’t hurt either.
cheers,
Adrienne M. Leigh
Nov
21
Nicole Kidman is a gorgeous, and classy actress. I think she’s extremely gifted.
In 1989 I saw Dead Calm. The sexy thriller introduced me to a beautiful young Australian actress named Nicole Kidman. Her character started off emotionally fragile, before she becomes a victim, and then evolved into a feisty heroine. I thought she was amazing to watch onscreen. She had presence. I was instantly hooked.
Malice came a few years later in 1993. Kidman played a woman who changes from an unassuming victim, into a calculating murderer. I didn’t care much for the movie, but I loved her performance. I was happy to see her finally get something juicy to sink her teeth into after a couple of bland Tom Cruise features.
In 1995 Kidman starred in To Die For. That film allowed the actress to shine as the lead. It was definitely her film. I loved her icy portrayal of a ditzy weather girl who plots the murder of her husband. It was the picture that gave her the spotlight she deserved. It’s a nasty, and often hilarious turn for her. The character of Suzanne Stone was Oscar worthy. She didn’t get one, but Kidman did win a Golden Globe.
In 1998 Kidman played a wild sister to Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic. Kidman was flighty, sassy, and very funny in the movie. It helped to give her often perceived icy public persona a bit of warmth.
Kidman’s lush performance playing an ailing showgirl in Moulin Rouge! is arguably her most regarded performance of 2001. In the Oscar nominated film, a writer (Ewan McGregor) falls in love with Kidman’s Satine. It’s a doomed love story. I normally loathe musicals, but this one was exceptional. That same year Kidman also starred in a creepy ghost story called The Others. It was another wonderful performance. Kidman’s role in Birthday Girl was far better than the picture itself.
Playing Virginia Woolf in The Hours gave Nicole Kidman her first Oscar win for Best Actress in 2002. The film featured three women’s stories set in three timelines. I think its one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen despite the fact it’s incredibly depressing. Her performance was mesmerizing.
In the 2004 remake of The Stepford Wives Kidman gave a great comedic performance. The film itself was an embarrassing mess. Her performance in Birth was also quite good, but that movie was too bizarre for me to appreciate.
It wasn’t until 2007 when she starred in director Chris Weitz’s brilliant adaptation of The Golden Compass as the icy Mrs. Coulter that I felt Nicole Kidman was back on top. Although the film bombed in theatres and critics savaged it mercilessly, I adored its simple messages about human behavior and religion.
I am eagerly awaiting Nine, due out this Christmas (another ensemble musical), a possible Dusty Springfield biopic, and the rumored remake of the classic Marilyn Monroe vehicle How to Marry a Millionaire.
I wish she would stop having work done on her face though. She doesn’t need it.
cheers,
Adrienne M. Leigh
Nov
20
Yesterday was the premier of Twilight: New Moon. It’s based on my favorite of the four Stephanie Meyer novels about a young woman who falls in love with a vampire. I realize this series isn’t geared for my generation, but like Romeo and Juliet any good love story is timeless. I am a huge fan of the director Chris Weitz. He had made the critically panned film adaptation of The Golden Compass in 2007 (which I loved).
Now, where do I start?
The film began with a dream sequence where Bella (Kristen Stewart) sees herself as an old woman standing beside her true love Edward (Robert Pattinson) as he remained eternally young and beautiful. I took that as a sign New Moon was planning to follow the second book more closely than the first movie had. I was happy to be reintroduced to the wonderful ensemble cast. The film maintained the underlying comedy the book (which was nice since a huge part of the story is so heavy).
Critics will hate this film and it will be torn to shreds. I didn’t care that they savaged Twilight, and I don’t care that they’ll dismiss this one. Despite the dark journey Bella takes in New Moon after Edward leaves her I much preferred the second film to the first one. I think the writing was much sharper, the acting by everyone was better, and the cinematography was beautiful without taking away from the story.
My favorite scenes in the movie: the wolves chasing Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) who will be sadly missed in the third chapter by fans after her part was viciously recast, Carlisle (Peter Facinelli) telling Bella he’s condemned to hell while sewing up her arm after an accident, Bella’s apparitions of Edward, Bella almost drowning, pretty much any scene between Bella and Jacob (Taylor Lautner), meeting the Volturi, Jane’s (Dakota Fanning) powers not affecting Bella, Bella’s scenes with her father Charlie (Billy Burke), Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) finally getting some lines, the wolf boys, Laurent’s (Edi Gathegi) demise, and Rosalie’s (Nikki Reed) speech after voting ‘NO’ regarding Bella being turned into a vampire.
This film was well worth the wait. I don’t think the wolves looked so bad. I heard people complaining they weren’t cool enough. I enjoyed them. I thought the music, and score were perfect. I hope director Chris Weitz returns to finish the fourth film adaptation Breaking Dawn. I am eagerly anticipating the third film Eclipse. I will likely go to see this one again before it leaves theatres and I will for sure be adding it to my DVD collection.
I found New Moon to be the most relatable of the four books in the series for me. I haven’t (as yet) known true love, but my heart has definitely been broken. And while I enjoyed Catherine Hardwick’s Twilight, I loved Chris Weitz’s New Moon. It was the perfect film for a single gal like me to see after a horrendous week full of unnecessary stress.
My Rating:
New Moon – 4.5/5
cheers,
Adrienne M. Leigh
**** Opening weekend box office: Domestic – $142.8 million, Foreign – $132.1 million
Nov
19
One of the fondest memories I have of my mother when I was a kid was watching her bake bread. Mom was a country girl. She knew how to bake scramble and fry like the best of them. Aside from bread she also made her own cookies, loaves, muffins, pies, & donuts. It was a different time them. People didn’t cringe at the idea of eating a thick steak and mashed potatoes like they do now. Most mornings my family ate bacon and eggs. My parents liked theirs fried, and my brother preferred to have his poached. I didn’t like eggs so I usually had cereal. Some habits are hard to break. At least I add fruit to it now for flavor.
My mother had worked a lot of evening shifts when I was growing up. My father didn’t know how to cook because mom had always done it for him. The only thing he could make was meat loaf (something to this day I avoid making). I learned how to cook from my mother. By the time I was about ten or so, I often cooked the main meals while she was working. On days my father and I didn’t fight too much he’d let me stay up to cook a late dinner for mom. Nothing too special. Often just mashed potatoes and a pork chop. But it made her day. Mine too.
When I left home I became very lazy in the cooking department. I rented rooms in town while I tried to finish high school. I never felt comfortable being in other peoples kitchens for long so I lived on macaroni and cheese. By the time I lived alone I no longer bothered to cook. I often skipped meals entirely. I shrank to 160 lbs at 6′3″. My mother asked me once while I was on a visit if I had become HIV positive. I started eating more immediately.
Throughout the rest of my chaotic twenties and early thirties I lived on take out. It showed as my metabolism started slowing down. I began to pack on the pounds. The bad eating habits had become almost grotesque.
When I transitioned four years ago I decided to get things under control. I did something I hadn’t done since high school on my first year away from home. I started to exercise. I loved biking, but my eating habits were so bad it didn’t make any difference. Finally when I got off drugs two years ago I made the conscious decision to learn to cook again, and finally treat my body right.
Now that I have lost 20 lbs I feel good about myself. When I see a smiling face after someone has tasted something I’ve made it makes my face light up. Cooking has rewarded my body and soul. I no longer enjoy generic restaurant offerings. I prefer to have a lot of flavor in anything I make. If its cookies or banana bread, I tend to add a touch of extra cinnamon. I like a lot of spices. And I like to marinade meat (not perfected yet). Stir fry’s are fun to get creative with. There is no fear in cooking. I welcome the challenge.
“The only fear a person can have in regards to cooking for themselves is laziness.”
cheers,
Adrienne M. Leigh
****(Michael Bublé – Song for You)
Nov
18
The last eight months of harassment have had way more of a negative effect on me then I had previously admitted. I spoke with someone after ranting on my blog this morning about feeling violated by the police. As it turns out, I wouldn’t of heard clicking if my phone had actually been bugged. There wouldn’t have been a noticable sound. There would be nothing. This is a prime example of what can happen when someone is a victim of harassment. You’re mind starts to imagine things to make you completely lose all sense of logic.
I actually had to wear ear plugs last night to sleep. My mind was racing so fast I thought I was going to scream out loud. After being harassed at my last residence until I moved I have become very sensitive to my surroundings. I think it’s a side effect of the experience. In that building someone had been assaulted in the foyer, and I had come home late one night to blood smeared on the walls outside of my apartment one evening. Combine that with months of a neighbor spying on me (even when company visited), and a death threat. The victim can easily develop a recipe for immense insecurity.
The person I have feuded with over the last few months is well aware of that entire situation. They have used that experience against me, to try and make me paranoid enough that I’ll move. If I could go back in time and change one thing about myself it would be my self-esteem. I can’t wait for this situation to be over. I have a lot of important things to do that could benefit from my undivided attention.
Imagine yourself in an eight month brawl with someone who wouldn’t leave you alone. Imagine that person trying to smear you reputation any way possible. Now imagine being in an office working, and getting a phone call from a man claiming to be a Ottawa police officer (who somehow knew you were working alone, and that you were a volunteer). He asks you if your boss is in, and then hangs up when you tell him you are alone. Imagine while you’re having this odd, and very brief conversation, you can clearly hear the person you have been getting stalked by in the background complaining that you are being unsupervised.
I don’t think I my feelings of insecurity are irrational in this matter with all things considered. I feel better after talking to someone logical, and then my best friend. Being Pisces I tend to assume the worst sometimes. I have so much to look forward to in the next few months. I don’t need any silly distractions from my healthy agenda.
But I should never write in the heat of the moment. I don’t dislike the entire city police force. My faith in their ability to act without prejudice is tarnished. And I feel its with good reason. Hopefully I will heal in time. I certainly want to. Optimism is crucial.
cheers,
Adrienne M. Leigh
****(John Mayer – Home Life)
Nov
18
Yesterday I spent the afternoon working on one of my many winter projects. I am repainting my apartment. I had decided white walls were boring after two years. I want some color around me. But unfortunately my place is small, so too much color could easily shrink its appearance to the size of a grocery box. I decided to only paint two opposing walls with color in the living room. That way the room would have some color definition, and yet not be too overwhelmed. I decided to go with Simply Taupe. It’s a soft beige and pink combination. A fresh paint job can really open a room up.
Today I will be redoing the white walls. I think the borders will be white as well. I don’t want too many colors going on in one room. The problem with this project is I am already thinking about colors for the rest of my apartment. The bathroom might end up being a light green. It would blend well with the shower curtain, and mat I have in there already. I might make the kitchen yellow. I’m not really much of a fan of yellow, but it might work. As for the hallway I am drawing a blank on that one at the moment.
Its shaping up to be a very time-consuming project. But then I have the time to spare now. I’ve just added some small plants to give the living room more color definition. I am considering doing my floors over as well. But I’ll wait and see how the painting goes first. I am hoping to get two more years out of my apartment while I finish settling my debts. My braces will be off by then as well. I would love to start over somewhere when my SRS surgery is finished. I’ll have nice teeth, a more shapely body, and hopefully a decent job by then.
I’m tackling a lot of projects this winter. I am planning to teach myself to play music. It would come in handy for when I write songs. I changed the format of my blog page last week so people could access my writing more easily. I find a menu useful when reading. I went through the lyrics I had written over the past year. I was impressed with some of them, and some of them made me cringe. But that’s all part of the writing process.
I could still hear most of the music I had heard when I first created the songs. It was interesting to hear the instruments, and structures of the songs play out after so much time had passed. I figured it might be interesting to create some of those songs for others to listen to. I’ll first need to learn how to play my keyboard. I don’t really expect much. By the end of winter I am hoping to have something recorded. Now if I could only sing.
cheers,
Adrienne M. Leigh
****(Texas – Another Day)
