How to Make an American Quilt

I just watched How To Make An American Quilt. It’s a movie from the mid 90’s that stars Winona Ryder as a young woman (Finn) whose contemplating marriage. While visiting her grandmother Finn discovers a quilt is being made for her wedding gift by a quilting bee. The women working on the quilt each tell the young woman about their own love stories. Some are about lost love, marital woes, sisterhood, having children, partners dying, and infidelity.

I hadn’t seen the movie in years. I wasn’t sure how I would feel seeing it again. In some ways I have grown up a lot since 1995. In other ways I am still searching for answers. It’s no surprise love still avoids me. I run from it every chance I can. At least I have allowed myself to bond with my family. My best friend and I actually saw the movie together in the theater when it was originally released. I loved it, and she didn’t. 1995 was a huge year for me. I was young, and living in a new city starting from scratch. I remember having such passion that year. I hope to one day find it again.

My favorite short story in the film is about a woman named Sophia. In her youth she was a diver, until she met a handsome guy, and fell in love. They married, and had three children. But Sophia was never happy with her life. Eventually the husband leaves her, and she ages to become a very bitter, and lonely old woman. At the end of the film we see Sophia standing on a diving board about to jump for the first time in many years as a monologue plays in the background.

“As Anna says about making a Quilt. You have to choose your combination carefully. The right choices will enhance your quilt. The wrong choices will dull the colors, hide their original beauty. There are no rules you can follow. You have to go by instinct, and you have to be brave.”  – Finn

To appreciate a film about love you have to relate to at least one of the characters depicted onscreen. I have only been in love once. I had my heart-broken, and I vowed to never let a guy ever get close to my heart again. So far, none have. Maybe when my surgery is finished my feelings will change on the subject. Time will tell. I still relate to Sophia, love the ending of the movie, and get goose bumps listening to Thomas Newman’s brilliant score.

My Rating:

How to Make an American Quilt – 4/5

cheers,

Adrienne M. Leigh

****(Thomas Newman – Portraits / Pond, The Diver)

Online ‘Fan’

This message is to the person who did a search for my name, and called me a loser. I just want to thank you for spelling my name correctly. I assume your computer has spell check.

Best wishes. xx oo

cheers,

Adrienne M. Leigh

“There is nothing more boring than being considered ordinary.”

The New Suit

Last night I did my weekly grocery shopping with a friend. I invited her up for a hot chocolate afterwards. Everything was fine until I asked her about her new suit. We had gone shopping about three weeks ago together. She is someone I really don’t enjoy shopping with. She insists on trying on clothes that are too small for her. She throws fits when I tell her the clothes don’t fit properly. I begged her after to hours to try the next size up. She finally did. But not without having a huge fit first in the middle of The Bay change area. I was only there because she had asked me to help her.

The suit she tried on in the right size was gorgeous. I told her it would need some slight alterations. So she listened to me, and bought it. But then when she went to get it altered, she didn’t want to pay for the minor alterations. She came by my apartment to inform me she was returning the suit. I stared at her momentarily speechless. The outfit she had on appeared to be stretched at the seams across both arms, and the shoulders. I just shook my head, and sent her home.

She exhausts me.

She’s been complaining for months now that her clothes are too small for her. I tried to help her out. But she thumbed her nose at me. She eventually had the alterations done. But she brought the suit to my place when it was finished instead of trying it on for the tailor. I am not a seamstress. My opinion on the subject was not important. So I refused to give m opinion, and now the suit has sat in her closet for four days unused.

I don’t understand her. She complains to me about her job. She says its boring, and she’s uninspired being there. She has a crush on a married co-worker, and eats salmon sandwiches everyday in her office that has no windows. I explained that I felt part of her problem might be she is longing for an attached man, and her meals are boring. I suggested she should forget the married guy, and spice up her lunches. By wearing clothes that fit her she wouldn’t feel so bad about her body either.

She threw a fit,  so I kicked her out. I had hoped not to have anymore confrontations like this. She is going to have to start figuring things out on her own. When she complains about her job, or her wardrobe I will change the subject. I know she’s trying (in her own way). I am finished playing the role of her parent. Instead I will just be her friend. Or not.

cheers,

Adrienne M. Leigh

****(Just Like Heaven – The Cure)

Secrets Men ‘Apparently’ Keep

The more I read about heterosexual men as I continue to transition the more afraid of them I am becoming. I don’t enjoy reading most guys apparently enjoy playing head games with women. I’m not a fan of being manipulated, and I loathe passive aggressiveness. I read an article online today that suggested some of things men don’t share with their partners. My doctor says transitioning is like going through puberty for a second time. I didn’t enjoy it much the first time. My first year of living as a female was brutal. I was really naive, and thought guys who told me I was attractive really liked me. Thankfully I learned putting out for horny guys makes you a whore; not popular.

1) Men apparently hide the number of women they’ve slept with. That’s something that wouldn’t concern me. I wouldn’t offer my numbers without a fight either. I never have sex without protection, and I wouldn’t stop using condoms (unless I knew for sure I could trust the guy). So far that hasn’t happened.

2) Apparently a lot of men look at porn. Pics of hot naked men can be fun to look at on a dull day. I can be visual, but it’s not essential. I have no issue with porn (as long as it’s between consenting adults, and it’s not gross). Besides, I write erotica.

3) The article also stated men compare new partners to their old girlfriends. I think its inevitable. I would never try to live up to someone else’s habits, or lifestyle. So if he was trying to make me into someone else he’s probably not for me. If it was ongoing I’d just bolt.

4) Men masturbating doesn’t bother me. I would likely offer to watch. It’s perfectly natural, and kinda sexy.

5) A guy talking to a past lover wouldn’t bother me either. If he wanted to be with her, I think he’d of stayed with her. It’s not something to deliberate on.

6) Long term relationships are terrifying to me. If I met someone I’d like to really get to know I might want to try it out at some point. I don’t believe everyone is supposed to be in a long-term relationship. Guys are so freaked out about them. I can relate to that.

7) Men seems to like sex more than women. I hear women saying that isn’t the case, but then I hear them complaining about performing oral sex, and intercourse. I am up for both. I can’t imagine telling a hot guy I have a headache. But that doesn’t mean I’d be up for just anything.

Men flirting at work isn’t an issue either. For one thing I am flirtatious myself. The other thing is how would you even know unless he told you? I wouldn’t stalk a guy I didn’t trust. I’d just ditch him.

9) The last thing the article mentioned is my personal Kryptonite. It suggested the fourth highest fantasy for heterosexual men was to have sex with another man (particularly receiving oral). I’m not sure how true that is, but living as a trans woman I can tell you it’s probably not that far off the mark. I also believe men are far more curious about giving oral sex to another guy, and getting penetrated then they’d ever admit.

There are far more closeted homosexuals out there (that never have any intention of coming out) then women would ever want to know. You’d be surprised.

Just a few things to think about. Groan.

cheers,

Adrienne M. Leigh

****(Natalie Imbruglia – Smoke)

Black & White

Self-Portrait Nov 2009

Practical Strangers

I had a good day in the co-op office. Since it was rent day there was a lot for me to do to keep busy. I was thrilled that the maintenance guy found time to remove my storm windows. I found it way too hot in my apartment with them on. I immediately came home, and opened them all. There is nothing like fresh air.

I bumped into a girl I used to work with about ten years ago on my way back to the office after having received my latest (torturous) needle treatment. She’s now married with a child. I have always wondered where she ended up. Her son was adorable. She married the guy she had dated back when we had first met. I think it’s great when people find true love, and happiness. It’s a rare gift. We might Facebook each other. I was happy she’s well.

I watched American Beauty tonight. It’s the first time I’ve seen it in years. It’s my favorite film. I love it because the characters in it are all so damaged. I was happy to learn that I no longer related to any of their issues. I’ve come a long way in the last couple of years. Still, its hard to ignore the brilliant performance Kevin Spacey gave. I don’t think just any actor could have gained my sympathy playing a middle-aged man with the hots for a young teenage girl. It’s still the most powerful film I have ever seen. But I see it differently now. I see the hope, and optimism buried under all the confusion.

I just spoke on the phone with a trans woman I had all but decided to ignore. We just weren’t meshing for the brief time we had spoken. I was surprised that she called me. But in the end, I was happy she had. It was a good talk. We both vented healthily about a few issues we  finally related on. Nothing too in-depth mind you. Just a bit of scratching the surface.

Sometimes the most comfortable conversations are the ones shared between practical strangers.

cheers,

Adrienne M. Leigh

****(Charles & Eddie – Wounded Bird) from the film True Romance

Changing Tastes

I’ve been a fan of Marilyn Monroe’s for a long time. But last night while watching Gentlemen Prefer Blondes with a girlfriend I started to second guess what it was I liked about her. I found her role in the movie to be completely absurd. She played a ditzy woman obsessed with money. Every time she spoke her face contorted into bizarre expressions that I think she had intended to be seen as sexy. I thought she just looked stupid. On top of it her lines were all moronic. I thought she basically came off as a bimbo with clothes that were all too small for her.

Jane Russell was excellent in the film. She played the voice of reason to Monroe’s goose berry. Unfortunately it was Monroe who had the most scenes. I felt like her performance degraded her, and all women. Maybe I was just in a bad mood, and didn’t realize it. I was embarrassed for her. I felt like she had allowed herself to be objectified to make it as an actress. It turned me off completely.

We had originally planned to watch The Misfits. But that film had turned out to be equally brutal. Monroe played a divorced sexpot who gets romanced by an old man (Clarke Gable). Basically the plot was Gable wows Monroe with a speech about living free in the country, and soon after she wakes up naked with him pawing at her. I was so grossed out I turned it off. The movie had no point to it. It was horrible.

After Blondes began to sour my mood I came up with the idea of going out for the evening. After all my friend and I are both single. And it was Halloween. I needed a break from Marilyn Monroe, and sitting in the house. We hadn’t been to a bar since April. So I invited her to my place, did her hair and make up, got dressed up, and we went out. We stopped at a pub on Elgin st. Lots of people were dressed in costumes. It was great. No one said anything negative to us. My girlfriend is still apprehensive about straight clubs. I keep telling her it’s where we belong. When she let her guard down, she had a good time. We met a lot of interesting people.

Then we walked along the street for a while to take in all the costumes. People really put a lot of effort into their appearance. Everyone seemed to be having fun. It was nice to see. We went into one bar that seemed to be full of teenagers. We were there for about five minutes before leaving. We finished off the evening at a gay club in the market. I saw some familiar faces I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I don’t go to gay bars anymore.

We ended the night with some pizza, and girl talk before passing out. I asked my friend to stay over. I don’t like people driving after they’ve had alcohol. When I woke up today I couldn’t erase my newly discovered feelings of disinterest in Marilyn Monroe. My tastes are changing a lot.

cheers,

Adrienne M. Leigh

****(Ain’t There Anyone Here for Love? – Jane Russell)

Reminiscing

It’s another cold, rainy day today. I’m vegging out listening to Annie Lennox. I just bought her greatest hits collection the other day.

I have a lot of memories with Annie Lennox’s music. Here Comes the Rain Again moves me as if I were still the precocious ten-year-old hearing it for the first time. I remember sitting on the beach in my early teens singing Missionary Man with a girl, while the boy I liked waved to me from the water.

The year after I left home Annie released her first solo album Diva. A young guy I had worked with at that time liked the song Why, and asked me if I had the CD. I looked up to see him staring at me with dancing eyes. I almost gagged on my lunch. I wish I had fully realized his interest in me. He was gorgeous. But I was clueless in my youth. I saw him mowing his families lawn one afternoon while I was passing by on a bus. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. I stared at his wet stomach. My mouth fell open as I feebly waived. I could never speak to him without blushing after that.

I rediscovered the Eurythmics wonderful music in the mid 90’s. A friend of mine was dying to become a hit drag performer, and he idolized Annie Lennox. I spent many tireless hours trying to help him get over his stage fright. But it was no use. He was hopeless as a dancer, looked awful in make up, and lip-synced horribly. It caused a lot of issues between us.

Many times over the years he threw fits because I had made it, and he hadn’t. I never held it against him. But he was always jealous of me back then. He’s relaxed now that I’m transitioning. He wisely gave up trying to be a queen years ago. We’ve  grown apart, and only chat online on rare occasions.

I’m still finding myself. And Annie Lennox still inspires me as I continue to embrace my latest incarnation.

cheers,

Adrienne M. Leigh

(Pattern of my Life – Annie Lennox)

Downsizing

Today was a good day. I think primarily because I finally downsized my movie collection to discs in a binder, and then I got rid of what turned out to be three huge loads of useless cases. I didn’t know where to put them since the basement garbage room of the main building is often full. They were taking up way too much space in my tiny place. They had been in boxes in the basement  for quite  awhile so I also had concerns about bed bugs. So I had a friend drive me around after we went grocery shopping tonight until we found a huge dumpster that didn’t seem to be overflowing.

If there is one thing I can’t stand its clutter. My buildings basement flooded last week. Everything had to be cleared out of my locker. Everything had to come up here until I could find a place for it. Suddenly cozy, wasn’t so much anymore. My cat wasn’t amused that her living space had been compromised either. I just thought since I don’t need the cases get rid of them to save space. It could be months before my locker downstairs is repaired. With Christmas coming soon I didn’t want to risk having to celebrate the big day surrounded by banana boxes I got from a local store.

It’s nice to have a friend with a car. I didn’t realize how much junk I had amassed in the basement until I had to get rid of some of it. Downsizing is kinda like relationships actually. The more I grow, and change, the less needless clutter I want around me. I have two real friends in this city after almost fifteen years of living here. Not bad odds considering the types of people I used to know. These women have class, and ambition. They have inspired me to be much more self-respecting. I don’t need trash in my house when it’s all around me when I go out into the world.

I  feel good knowing I’m loved by respectable people. It’s been a tough summer with lots of b******t to contend with. But the student loans are going well (finally), the co-op office is keeping me busy, and I finally accept that my family are on my side. I ‘m very grateful, and fortunate for such gifts. Everything is becoming new again. Good friends are hard to come by. And a loving family feels like heaven. xx oo

cheers,

Adrienne M. Leigh

****(